Let's Talk Forgiveness

Last night the husband and I were talking about some pretty heavy issues- betrayal, trust and honesty.

We maintain a pretty open relationship and share just about everything, seriously- everything.  As a result, we have a strong foundation of trust to build from.  But what happens when the loss of trust happens outside your marriage?  What happens when a friend betrays you?  Or even your own family?  How do you move forward with people who have behaved so poorly?

See- I told you, some pretty heavy issues.

When people you once loved and trusted hurt you- it's difficult to move forward.  Especially when they never apologize.  Oh yeah....the new trend amongst people nowadays seems to be pretending that everything is fine when clearly it is not.

The husband and I are struggling with this.

When we do wrong, we apologize.  When we hurt each other, we apologize.  When we overstep, we apologize.  When we make incorrect assumptions, we apologize.  When we say hurtful things, we apologize.  When we lie and manipulate, we apologize.  Ok- wait....we don't do that last one, but I know a few who do....

Are you sensing a theme here?

When we commit a wrong, we seek to make it right.

But how in the world can you ever forgive and move forward with people who don't seek the same?  Sadly, the reality is that you can't.  We won't.

Things are not the same.  The trust is gone.  You no longer love like you once did and no amount of bullshit "let's hang out" or fake "so good to see you" comments are going to change that.  Because inside, we can see these people for exactly what they are.  They might be able to fool those around them and perhaps even tricked themselves- the devil can do some amazing things you know.  But when we take a look at someone's heart- at their true self, there's no hiding the evil that lurks inside.  Do these people deserve forgiveness?  Should we allow them back into our hearts when they haven't expressed remorse?  Or are we setting ourselves up to be hurt again?

The Bible says we should forgive.  God is merciful and forgiving, even after all we have done.

But here's the real issue.  Where does it say that we forgive unconditionally and then pretend everything is fine once again?  God would want us to guard ourselves and our family against those who seek to do harm- not give them a free pass to do it all over again.  And as we know, in the Bible, those who've done wrong have repented, expressed remorse, APOLOGIZED and to those people, God says- they will be forgiven.

First you must ask before you can receive.

So yeah- last night was intense as the husband and I had a really great discussion on how to move forward in the face of hurt, betrayal and dishonesty.  I can't tell you that we have all the answers because clearly, we don't.  We struggle with this- more then some will ever know.  But what I can say is that we want to forgive.  We want to seek resolution and move forward with those who've caused such horrific destruction.  However we also acknowledge that some people are worth the effort while some will never change and some things are simply unforgivable.  So for now- we continue to have faith that resolution will come all while playing the "pretend game", the husband is a rock star at the "pretend game".

For those of you struggling with this issue- I have this to say.  Look after your own family and be the gatekeeper of your home.  Allow those who are good and pure to enter your heart and home but tread carefully with those who've hurt you.  Desire resolution, have faith that it will come- someday.  But guard your gate nonetheless.  Your home is sacred ground.  It is where you grow your family and nurture your marriage and only good things should enter through it.