Follow Up: Opt Out of Christmas

I've told quite a few people that we chose to "opt out" of Christmas this year and the response is almost always one of confusion.  What exactly does it mean to "opt out"?  How is this even possible?  Why would you want to do this?

Good questions for sure!

Now that Christmas has come and gone, I thought I would update y'all and share exactly what opting out meant for my family.

We normally host Christmas Day dinner.  Big meal, lots of friends and family, fancy china, decorations, cocktails, music- THE WORKS.  We didn't do that this year and instead chose to invite Grammie and Grampie over for soup, Piepalooza 2015 (basically a butt ton of pies that we gorged on all day long) and lots of Christmas movies.  We played Battleship, watched all three of the Santa Clause movies, played Legos, ate pie and took naps.  It was glorious.

We did not participate in any Christmas parties or events.  Now- this one was a bit more tricky because your loved ones want you there.  But you guys- I'm really so very glad we made this choice.  No big extended family get togethers, no work parties, no friend's nights out means NO extra gifts to give, NO shuffle to make it all fit into an already packed holiday schedule and NO stress.

Typically we plan quite a few holiday themed activities or have events that we try to go to during this busy season.  We did NOT plan a single thing.  Even Christmas Day was very loose as I seriously just invited over the Grandparents and had NO idea what time they were arriving.  We relaxed and just focused completely on being a family.  And when we did go somewhere or do something fun- we did it OUR way.

We took time off.  Holy Buckets but the husband hasn't had a Christmas off in 5 years.  FIVE YEARS!!!!  This year, he planned way in advance and was able to take the 23rd-27th off.  This was simply the very best gift this Christmas!  We had time to watch Christmas movies all together on the couch, we played the new video games that Santa brought, we went out looking at Christmas lights at 9pm at night, we ate cheeseburgers and fries, we visited a local church to see their light display, we drove to a local garden to see their fun outdoor display, we sang naughty Christmas carols, we went exploring in a nearby town, the husband and I had even more quality married people time, we went to the gun range, we played hours of ball with Buddy Boy, we slept in, we went to bed late- we just relaxed and enjoyed our time together with no real schedule and no real plan.

We gifted differently.  Normally Santa brings the kiddo all the good stuff- ie. the toys while the husband and I gift the necessities ie. socks, gloves, shoes etc.  Typically Santa brings about 10-15 items for the kiddo and 5 items for the grownups.  This of course does not include the stockings stuffed with goodies.  This year, Santa still came, but he brought less.  WAY less.  The kiddo had a total of 5 items under the tree from Santa and the grown ups, just 2 or 3.  The stockings were stuffed with 5 small items each.  The type of gifts were also very different and this was the very first year that the kiddo did NOT get the one item he asked Santa for.  Sorry kid, no Lego Millennium Falcon this year....

Our gifts to the kiddo were much smaller and we spent much less.  It's not that we go crazy on Christmas but we did make a big effort to cut way back on Christmas spending this year.  Not because we couldn't afford to spend more but because we wanted to take the focus off material items this year.  We also did not gift to many people that we normally gift to.  Mainly because we had opted out of most Christmas events, there wasn't a need to show up with gifts in hand.  However we also wanted to opt out of the commercialism aspect of what Christmas has sadly become.  Those that we did gift to, only received one item.  And many of the gifts we gave were free.  We chose to find gifts using our local Buy Nothing Facebook page which had the added benefit of getting us out into our community and meeting more of our neighbors.

We spent more time helping our community then ever before.  Our family has always been community service driven and we are raising our child with a heart for change.  But this year- we turned a corner.  We found many in need in our community (neighbors even, right down the street!) and we gave.  Then we gave some more.  We opened up our hearts and our wallets to give Christmas to other families instead of making it even bigger for our own.

So yes- we made several changes this year and I have to say that it was by far, one of our best Christmases ever.

We still put up decorations, we still had Christmas dinner (just not the traditional one), we spent time with family, we had presents, Santa arrived, we had our tree and our eggnog but it was just on a much smaller scale.  We opted out of the stress, the commercialism, the chaos and opted in to family, a heart to give, our community and the entire reason for the season.

Would I do this again?

In a mother truckin' heartbeat y'all.

I have to admit that I did miss dining on my wedding china and sipping from my platinum rimmed crystal goblets but other than that- yeah, it was the most wonderful, relaxing and blessed Christmas that we've had in quite awhile.

I'm already looking forward to next Christmas and taking the lessons we've learned from this year.  So many good things.  SO.  MANY.


Want to read the first post?  Click here!


Psst- Want to know what Opting Out REALLY looked like at my house???

First it looked like this.....

Then a little of this....

Pie Break!!!

And finally....some of this.

When Thanksgiving Isn't....

Sigh....

My thoughts on this "family" Thanksgiving trip we took are pretty raw still.  I went into this trip with massive amounts of trepidation but was hoping for a peaceful journey.  The reality is that we all, kiddo included, came home from this trip just a bit broken.  We learned some very sad lessons probably made even more devastating by the fact that it involved those who are a part of our family.  Family is hard y'all....

HARD.

While I don't wish to get into details because it is NOT my intention to cause my parents upset, a few things must be said.

Throughout this trip, I was forced to keep my mouth shut and not utter one single word in my own defense or my child's defense.  I knew that if I were to say something, the shit would fly and since I was a guest in someone's home, I would never intentionally allow this.  This was seriously much harder for me then I had anticipated.

My child was subjected to some pretty horrific behavior and it made him extremely upset.  It makes me upset just thinking about it.  I feel as if I failed to protect my boy from someone who he should never need protection from.  It's just devastating really....

Differences in parenting styles became alarmingly clear and not in a good way.  Listen, I am and always have been one to say that we all do things differently and that there's nothing wrong with that.  Hello!  If I want others to respect the way we parent and our life choices, I should be offering the same in return. But in this case, the behavior that I was witness to is NEVER ok.  Never.

I was left extremely disappointed in people I have always admired.  Well crap.  Doesn't it just suck when you realize that those you love and admire have flaws?  Like- BIG FLAWS.  Yeah, it wasn't good.

I was prepared for a certain amount of chaos and excitement.  Travelling with 11 people will do that...but I wasn't ready for the reality of the situation.  I am truly saddened by the behavior that others feel is acceptable and it hurts my heart to think that there's an entire generation of parents raising up their children to think this type of behavior is OK.

Currently I have all these thoughts and emotions just tumbling around in my heart and my head.  In truth, I'm having a hard time processing them.  But through it all, there were some really great affirmations that were reinforced for me and the husband.  So in an effort to end this blog post on a positive note, I want to share them with you all now.


What I Know to Be True:

• My husband is simply the best.  He jumped in to help whenever there was a need.  He supported me, he was there for the kiddo, he held my hand when I needed him close and he stayed quiet in an effort to keep peace.  He did this for me.  Words can't even describe what it feels like to have a man like this in your corner.
• Our decision to keep our child away from public school and his "peers" was completely reinforced on this trip.  There's simply no reason for children to treat each other this way and I'm so thankful that our child is not subjected to it on the regular.
• I do not want more children.  Good Lord but I am SO happy with our decision to stop at one child.  I totally support large families- trust me, I do!  But we are so very happy as a family of 3.  Praise Jesus I listened to my husband.
• Your behavior, your character, your actions, your words- these are yours and yours alone.  How you behave and choose to react is what will determine your character and your worth.  Sometimes, when being attacked we must stay silent.  Not because we have nothing to say but because we are good and pure of heart.  Doing what is right doesn't always mean you do what is justified.
• There's truly no place like home. 
• Moving forward, I am only doing things that will be healthy for myself and my boys.  I learned that I can't do things (like this trip) just to please others.  While I have never been a "people pleaser" we all at times in our lives have done things for the benefit of others.  However many times, this comes as a sacrifice to our own mental well being.  Never again will I do this.
• Family is not about blood.  Listen, I have some truly amazeballs people in my family.  I simply love almost every single one of them.  The truth is that family should always be made up of people who are in your corner loving you and supporting you, so when you have someone toxic in your life- it's ok to distance yourself and make room for the good ones.  Even if those toxic people are technically family- sometimes you've just got to walk away.
• Homeschooling is perhaps the very best decision that we have ever made.  Our boy has a childhood.  In an age when 10 and 12 year olds are all up in their Facebook and Instagram, he wants to play Legos and run around outside.  His innocence is still there and for that, I will forever be thankful.
• I will not be a party to other's judgement and jealousy.   
• I am so in love with my own little family.  Goodness but we live a truly blessed life.  I have a husband who I love more and more each day- I simply can't get enough of him!  I have a child who frustrates me and makes me laugh.  I am a Wife, a Mother, a Teacher, a Writer- I am ALL THE THINGS that I've always wanted to be.  How many women get this opportunity to live out their dream?  My life is seriously so beautiful and full.

To wrap this up, I simply want to say that Family is hard.  I have yet to meet a single person who had a perfect family and extended family.  Perfection doesn't exist.  With that being said, family should only ever be made up of good things.  Even if you're fighting and at odds, if you're coming from a heartfelt place- it is good and worthwhile.  We must learn, and I pray this comes with age y'all, when to keep trying and when to simply walk away.  We don't have to subject ourselves and our children to toxic people- we just don't.

I have so many things to be thankful for and most certainly on that list is my family.  We are blessed to have some great people by our side, gracing our table, being an important part of our child's life, making memories, sharing, loving, laughing....all the good things that make up a real family.  These are the people that we will focus our love and attention on.  

As a side note, many of you might remember my post over on the Facebook page a few days prior to Thanksgiving.  Tragically, a friend and co-worker of the husband's died suddenly in his sleep right before the holiday.  So in the midst of all this family crap and trying to be THANKFUL and deal- we had this sudden loss to process.  Many times there are no words for the feelings just that they are so deep and so raw.  Can you even imagine his family and their loss?  It's just too much to even think about.

How can you not come home and see your own life in a different way after something so heartbreaking and tragic?  

You can't.  

You shouldn't.

This is my advice to you all.  Life a life full of goodness and light.  Unapologetically- live your best life, your way.

Opt Out This Christmas

Well, we are officially back from our big Thanksgiving trip...more about THAT later mmkay...but since coming back, the husband and I have made a few decisions regarding this Christmas season.

We are slowing it down.  Like...way....down....

For years, we've hosted Christmas dinner and all the fun, expense and chaos that goes along with it.  Don't get me wrong, I seriously LOVE Christmas and having a big family and friends Christmas day meal is a major part of that.  But along with it comes a certain amount of stress and a whole lot of money.  Feeding 20+ people entirely from scratch isn't cheap y'all!  Since we typically host Thanksgiving and end up doing something with friends for New Year's- that's a whole lot of money, time, stress etc throughout the entire holiday season.

Combine this with a particularly difficult Thanksgiving WEEK and the husband and I just decided to opt out.  That's right- we are saying no this Christmas to everything that is non-essential and may involve any amount of stress.

You see....we actually want to enjoy our Christmas together as a family.  And so, we will be holding that thought close to our hearts as we break the news to family and friends that we are indeed- opting out.

Sorry....not sorry...

In addition to this new found stress free holiday, the husband will actually have several days off work.  You guys- he hasn't had Christmas or Christmas Eve off in well over five years.  And I'm just so beyond thankful and excited about that that the very last thing I want to do is schlep everywhere and add in stress to our rare family time.  Just not gonna happen mmkay...

So what exactly are we saying no to this Christmas?

Most definitely we are NOT hosting Christmas day.  We also will not be going anywhere on Christmas day.  Listen- if people want to come over and hang and play with our Christmas goodies from under the tree, that's totally OK.  I'll bake some pies- like, a whole bunch of yummy pies and that's probably the extent of it.  Pie Palooza and Presents.  Yep- that about sums it up.  Well...and alcohol too!

In addition to not hosting Christmas, we will NOT be going to any extended family functions.  This means we don't have the added stress of caravaning with 13 people (many of whom we don't care for) during some of the worst traffic this time of year.  Add in the added chaos of a meal with 25+ people.  Ugh.   I also will have the added benefit of not having to cook anything for said meal.  Plus- we are actually already scheduled to work during one of these functions and we simply can't afford to take any more time off work after a week long vacay.

We are buying less.  Each year the amount of gifts under the tree gets smaller and smaller because we know that Christmas is NOT about presents but presence.  Being with your family, with your beloveds- yeah, that's where its at.  So typically, where I would be buying several gifts for some folks, I will now only be purchasing one.  Many will not even get a gift.  Please- don't take it personally but the reality is that you don't need more stuff and I can't afford to really buy it for you anyway.  So we are saying NO to the societal pressures of gift giving.

Along with buying less- we are working on giving for free.  The husband has asked me to scale way back on our spending and so for those who we will still be gifting to, I am attempting to do much of it for free.  How?  Through my local "buy nothing" Facebook page of course!  So many of my neighbors are giving away toys, beauty items, household goods etc this holiday season and what a great way to recycle and regift!

The husband and I are giving each other a combined gift.  This means that he doesn't have the added stress of having to purchase gifts for me.  Which ladies- can I just say that I am the only person he buys gifts for!  How stressful can this really be for him?!?  I'm sure many of you wives also do all the gift buying for your in-laws and husband's side of the family in addition to your side of the family.  And the husband is stressed over buying for one person!  Ha! But the truth is that we have not only wanted but we actually have a need for a larger item and instead of limping along for another year, we've decided to use our money that we would normally spend on gifts for each other to simply buy this bigger ticket item.  Works for me!

We will not be attending any work or social holiday parties.  While we greatly enjoy our jobs, friends, family, co-workers etc, the very last thing we want to do is run around to one more event during an already busy season.  It's become just one more thing to cross off an already busy calendar and in truth, I'd much rather be at home sipping a cocktail while snuggling with my boys.

To summarize-

We are saying no to events that take away from our family time.  Family as in, just the three of us.

We are saying no to anything that brings undue stress.

We are saying no to commercialism and over spending.

We are changing the way we gift.

We are saying no to anything that doesn't promote the true reason for the season.

And you guys, I can't even begin to tell you how freakin' excited I am about all of this!  A chance to slow down and enjoy my boys and my favorite time of year.  SO GOOD!

We will still be participating in our volunteer events and making sure to give back to our community.  We will still make time for extended family if they choose to come to us as our home is always open to loved ones.  We will still have some presents under the tree and Santa will still make his way to our home, although his bag will be just a little lighter this year.  We will focus on our family traditions and we will make some beautiful new memories.  And perhaps next year we will opt back in but for now- we are simply saying no.

This year, we are slowing it down and taking the time to enjoy each other during this most blessed time.  Can I encourage you to do some of the same?

It's Our Story But I Bet It's Yours Too

I posted this over on the Facebook page last week and totally forgot to share here as well.  It's just too good not to!

We Are a Family That-

Lays around in bed & snuggles together
Yells about lost library books, again
Stays up late to watch movies & eat popcorn
Laughs about potty jokes, sometimes while at the dinner table
Can never seem to make the bed, any bed...ever
Has silly nicknames for the dogs like FooFaLoo & Sir Stompy Toes
Shares french fries
Invites friend's over at the last minute
Googles almost every single question so as to learn more
Makes a special stop for ice cream when someone is sad
Tiptoes in the dark to avoid waking the others
Steals each other's chocolate from their hidden stash
Builds volcanoes in the kitchen
Sends each other ridiculous text messages just because
Cheats at Domino's & Rummy
Gets upset when someone isn't listening
Dances in the car like a maniac
Shares at least one meal together every day
Tells each other to "suck it up buttercup"
Drives 1.5 hours to homeschool classes 2X weekly when surrounded by several good public schools
Plays Skylanders for hours on end
Pays for all the soccer/karate/swim by selling old clothes on Ebay
Hugs & kisses each other often
Shares an email address because someone (ahem) hates checking his email & another someone (ahem) isn't old enough yet
Says "I love you" daily
Steals the Ipad to play Candy Crush in the bathroom
Struggles over math together, always the math
Screams when someone tracks dirty footprints all over a clean floor
Views each moment as a learning opportunity

This is our story. But I bet it's yours too.

Go Ahead: Frame That Picture!

Ladies- do you ever take a family photo and everyone looks super cute but you?  Or at least that's your perception of it anyway.  No amount of photo shopping is going to solve the frizzy hair and splotchy face.  And so, instead of displaying this photo that holds some truly sweet family memories, you keep it hidden.  Safe and sound on the old laptop photo drive.  Am I right?

I took one such photo just a few weeks ago when we visited the Pumpkin Patch.  In my defense, I had worked WAY late the night before and then had to get my boys up and out SUPER early.  FYI- the kiddo and husband do not do early.  At all.  I didn't shower and we were so rushed for time that I packed the kiddo a bean burrito for breakfast on the road, the husband a Kombucha and I- a gallon or so of coffee.

We were late in meeting up with Grammie and Grampie and immediately hopped in the line for the hayride to the pumpkin patch.  So yeah- I wasn't looking my very best.  But to be honest, I wasn't there to win any fashion awards- I was there for the fun.  Oh- and for the memories.

The husband wanted to take a photo of our family standing in front of the corn stalks and of course I agreed.  Although I totally tried to hide myself by putting the kiddo in front of me.  Yeah- it's a little trick of mine.  When we got home and I looked at the pictures, there was one really great one of me.  Only problem was the husband had his eyes closed and the kiddo was picking at something on his face.  Umm...yeah, totally not flattering for my boys AT ALL.  And then there was one that was super cute.  The kiddo was doing a "pose" that he'd never done before and the husband was laughing at something off in the distance but sadly, my eyes were all scrunched up and it wasn't very flattering.

Sigh...we seem to have this problem quite often.  When one looks good, the other doesn't and vice versa.  But we were all together and we all had a smile on our face and most importantly- we were all looking the same direction.  If you've ever taken a family photo with a small child, you know how major this is.

So I framed it.

And now- now I kinda love it.

This is simply my message to you all.  Us Mom, well- we have a tendency to only want to look our very best.  Frame the very best pictures and put all our good sides on display.  But you know what- those unflattering pictures are pretty great too.  It means that you accept that things aren't perfect.  It means you are confident in yourself but most importantly- it means that you are happy exactly where you are.

Go Ahead- Frame That Picture!

I framed it!

The Best Homeschooling Lessons Do NOT Come From a Textbook

Remember at the beginning of this month, when I posted about Unschooling?  Eh- perhaps you don't.

The gist of it was that the kiddo decided he was going to write a letter to his Great Grandparents in California.  He poured over this letter for a full week and then made some original mud drawings to accompany the letter.

Well today, the kiddo received a return letter.  He tore into that thing like it was Christmas!

The return letter

And the letter that followed the sweet puppy dog calendar was simply the best letter a Grandparent (or in this case, Great Grandparent) could write to a young child.  I'm not going to copy it word for word- because, well....some things are private.  But I will give you just a short excerpt that my Grandpa wrote to the kiddo.

"Will:  Got your letter yesterday along with paw prints in "real mud" of your Buddy.  That is one of the most thoughtful and special letters that I have ever received.  Thank You."

So yeah.  That was awesome.

I just want to take a moment to acknowledge all the things that are right with this:

• Investing in the special bond between Grandparents and Grandson
• Taking the time to write a reply
• Acknowledging when someone has done something special for you
• Leading by example
• Going above and beyond
• Showing your family what it means to be a Grandparent- honesty, respect, follow through, kindness and consideration
• Being a constant and uplifting presence in your Grand children's lives

And now I want to highlight what the kiddo has learned from all of this:

• Something as simple as writing a letter, can brighten someone's day
• Thoughtful gestures should always be appreciated
• There are lots of people who love you and show it
• Some Grandparents are truly awesome
• Proper etiquette and letter writing skills
• Going above and beyond
• Following the example set by these Grandparents, as they always write letters to the kiddo
• What it means to invest in a special relationship
• Getting mail is fun- even for Grandparents

Personally, I have learned that this is the type of Grandma I want to be when I get older.  I want to be a loving and constant presence.  I want to write letters, send cards and funny emails.  Well- if emails and the post office still exist in 50 years!  I want to celebrate with them and be thankful for them.  I want them to learn that they can count on me.  But most importantly, I want to show them love and teach them what it means to be a Grandparent.  I want to lead by example just as my Grandparents have done for me and for my son.

These lessons didn't come from a book, an online class or unit study.  Because as all homeschooling parents know, the best lessons in life, the ones that last forever- are those we don't learn from a textbook.

Just One Please

We have one child.  Yep, "just" the one.  As if having "just" one child somehow makes me less of a Mother then say, the woman with 8 children tottering after her.  Now most people generally assume that I can physically only have one child.  Somehow the only reason why I would ever choose to have one kid was if my body took that choice away from me.  Well, nope.  Sorry folks but I have one child and that's by choice!

Of course there are many reasons that go into having an only.  Each family has their own story to tell and reasons behind their choices.  Just as families with many children have reasons behind those decisions.  There's no right or wrong here- a family is a family no matter how many people are in it.  And frankly, I don't really care if you have 1 kid, 2 kids, 7 kids or 12 kids.  Your uterus, your decision.  Ha!  That should be a slogan for some sort of pregnancy/anti pregnancy campaign.  But I'm not here to talk politics- blech......

After 8 years of dodging THE big question- you know, "how come you don't want any more kids" question, I like to think I've become a bit of a expert at it.  Of course, sometimes it depends entirely on my mood and if I like you.  Piss me off and I'm likely to respond with a "well we chose to concentrate on quality not quantity when having kids".  Oh my....that's not very nice now is it?  And if I like you and you seem genuine in your questions, I'll give you the real answer.  Which is of course that we chose to have one child because we only wanted one.  If I'm feeling sentimental or a little emotional, I may also tell you that I have always wanted to be a Mother.  My purpose in life was for some little creature to call me "Mom" and that was all I needed.

I didn't grow up thinking I was only going to have "just" one child.  I was like most other fanciful girls daydreaming about the sharp looking husband in his suit and tie (hmm...that didn't happen) and the big dream house with white picket fence (missed the boat here too) and the nice car in the driveway and the obligatory 2.5 kids and golden retreiver barking in the backyard.  Somehow what I ended up with was nothing like my dream.  Or at least what I thought my dream was....Yes, sure I've got a great husband but he sports facial hair and tattoos instead of the sharp dressed man I had envisioned.  I also have a nice "fixer upper" house that we recently bought- thanks to the crappy housing market! And I do have a child and the barking dogs.  To be honest, my reality is SO much better then my dream.

So if my reality is so freakin' awesome- why stop at just one child?  Well, I'll tell you....My husband and I can both go to William's events and not have to divide the duties among kids.  We can have grand birthday celebrations.  Exhibited by the year we took William to Disneyland to celebrate becoming a "whole hand"- that's 5 years old for you non-parents out there.  Up next is DisneyWorld for his 10th birthday.  We can take spontaneous trips because it's so much easier with just one child.  And I have to admit that holidays are pretty fabulous in my house for Mr. William.  There's no backseat yelling and screaming while I'm trying to drive.  No passel of kids to keep track of at the grocery store, less new shoes to buy and not as many trips to the doctor's or dentist's office.  I don't have to buy a minivan to haul around all my kids and their crap and I can actually afford to take my son to the movies.  Seriously- can you believe how expensive a trip to the movies has become! Eek!

And if I'm being totally honest here, I admit that choosing to have only one child is a selfish decision.  I get it.  It's a choice my husband and I made.  And let's just lay it out there- I just don't want to be pregnant again or go through labor.  It sucked.  I also don't want to put my marriage at risk- I'm sure that you know that having children adds HUGE amounts of stress to your marriage.  No thanks- I'll pass.  I want to have quality one-on-one time with my child ALL of the time.  And I don't want to put my family under financial stress because I want to cuddle a new baby.  Ahh- but that sweet baby smell is hard to resist though isn't it!  I don't want to listen to tattle telling, name calling, fighting and screaming.  Ugh- my idea of parental torture!  Plus, I really like my "me time" and I enjoy spending time more time with my husband- all the benefits of having one child.


Perhaps if I were living in my delusional girlhood dream with the rich husband, fancy cars and big mansion- I might have a different view. Yes- sometimes I miss holding a new baby and many times I do imagine what another child would bring to our family.  But those are dreams- just dreams.  We are all happy the way we are right now, as a family of 3.  That's not to say that down the road we wouldn't be equally as happy as a family of 4.  I'm still young(ish) and could probably have another baby if I really wanted to....but why rock the boat?  Why risk my family's happiness now for something we don't truly want?  Why have another child because society thinks you should?  Well and my Mother- pretty sure she thinks I should too!

So there you have it.  We are a happy family of 3 and it's probably going to stay that way.  Unless of course I get knocked up- you never know....