Gifts Every Mom Secretly Wants for Christmas

Moms....ah, the givers of life and of gifts.  Seriously, when was the last time anyone ever asked me what I want for Christmas?  And then actually bought it for me?  I know...right?

So here it is, a list of gifts that we all want but don't ask for....

1. A house that stays clean for at least 24 hours after cleaning it.  Seriously, what's the point of cleaning when your husband and kids will just trash it again in 10 minutes.  10 minutes people!
2. Kids that put themselves to bed.  Just once I'd love for the kiddo to be like, "Oh would you look at that Mom and Dad, it's bedtime.  Love You and Goodnight."
3. A year off from hosting Christmas.  For the love of God- I just want to not have to host every single Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years.....and on and on it goes.
4. A body double.  So yeah- how cool would that be?  A woman who looks just like me who could do all my chores while I'm laying in bed sleeping?  Oh and if she could bring me coffee, that'd be great.
5. Jewelry that I want but didn't pick out myself.  If I have to circle it in the catalog or put it on hold for you to pick up, there's really no point.  Just pick out something I like that doesn't cost a freakin' fortune.
6. No flu for Christmas.  Thank you very much.
7. Pets or musical instruments from gift givers.  I mean seriously- who gives live animals or musical instruments without asking permission first?  Who?!?
8. My bits and pieces from 15 years ago.  Sigh....my boobs used to be the shit and then I had a kid.  Oh well....sorry husband.
9. A kitchen that makes dinner.  Umm....hello?  Can we just talk about this invention that needs to be invented?  
10. No more coupons books.  I really don't need a lifetime of hugs and a handful of kisses.  Can you just buy me a real gift?  Please?
11. No bills.  For one month wouldn't it be great if all the people/companies I owe money to just decided they were going to give me the wonderful gift of a "freebie".  Yeah, that'd be great.
12. Hand lotion that didn't come from the dollar bin at Target.  I mean...really.
13. An entire day to myself.  No screaming, no sandwich making, no laundry to fold and for the love of God- no whining.  Just leave me be for a whole day, is that too much to ask?
14. The ability to wear my 4 inch heels again.  And silk.  Oh how I miss silk.
15. For my child to believe in Santa forever.  Can you just....please?
16. A self cleaning house.  And car.  And kids.  And husband.  And dogs.  Yeah- just push the button and away it goes.
17. Opie and Jax under my Christmas tree.  Mmkay....
18. To never step on another Lego in the dark ever again.  Thank you very much.
19. The ability to go shopping and actually browse.  When was the last time you went to the mall without any hands grabbing at you, no meltdowns, no one complaining they were dying of boredom....
20. Excellent health.  And by health I mean cocktails.