10 Things Your Mother Never Told You About Becoming a Mom

I was destined to be a Mom.

I was 24 when I gave birth and while I didn't think I knew it all- I was pretty confident that I had this Mom thing figured out.  How hard could it be right?  BWAHAHAHA!  Boy was I wrong!  Not only did I learn a few things about pregnancy but in the last 8 years, I've learned a few things about being a Mom too.  And all of them- no one told me!

1. You will never get to pee or shower alone again.  Seriously.  When they are babies, they will most likely torture you by crying through your entire shower, like mine did.  Then when they are older and you try to pee alone- they will somehow know and suddenly have some sort of kid emergency that only Mom can fix- like they need a snack or can't find their missing sock.

   

   You will never get to do this alone again. 

2. You will talk about poop- a lot.  And not your own poop mind you.  Suddenly the world revolves around what your child's poop looks like.  Runny, super green, chunky, tiny little poop pellets, etc. Gross.  And just when you think it's bad enough that you are suddenly talking about poop with your husband- then you'll start telling complete strangers!
3. You will never get a full nights sleep again.  Gone are the days where you can sleep peacefully.  Sure you've successfully made it through the feeding every 3 hours stage and the switching to a big boy bed phase.  However, no one ever tells you that you will worry about the wind crashing down the tree outside his bedroom window.  Or wanting to check on him every 30 minutes while he has a cold to make sure he's still breathing.  And let's not forget the dreaded teenage years looming on the horizon.  Sleep- what's that?
4. You will cry at everything.  Oh My Freaking Goodness.  He gets a trophy at the end of soccer season- BOOM!  Waterworks.  Goes to see Santa- tissues please!  Draws a picture of his family complete with 2 puppy dogs- NOT AGAIN!  I'm pretty sure I've never cried this much in my entire life.  
5. You will laugh more then you've ever laughed in your entire lifetime.  Seriously, kids are freakin' funny!  The way they laugh is funny, the way they cry is funny.  How they stomp their feet and yell at you is funny.  Every single thing about them is funny.  Well either that or you're yelling and screaming.
6. You will get to see exactly what is wrong with you.  Seriously!  There's nothing like your kid repeating the same bad behaviors to make you notice all the things that you do wrong.  At some point you just have to throw your hands in the air and say- "it is what it is!"
7. You will develop Mommy Brain.  You will become incapable of forming complete and understandable sentences.  Oh My Word.  I used to be amazing!  I could talk to anyone and hold down excellent conversations.  Now I'm lucky if I can ask someone to please pass the butter.  And let's not forget the impact that Mommy Brain has on your memory- sigh.
8. You can never have nice things again.  Well- until they are grown ups anyway.  Kids just have an amazing knack for breaking shit.  All of it.  So do yourself a favor and wait until they are older.  And by the way- husbands break shit too.  Your basically screwed.
9. You will become incapable of ever being embarrassed again.  Seriously!  When your 2 year old brings out your gross granny panties while you have company over.  Or he tells the neighbor that Mommy was picking her nose or tells EVERY PERSON HE EVER MEETS that Mommy
   
   runs around the house in her underwear- it's simply impossible to continue to become embarrassed.  I'm pretty sure my tolerance level is way high now.  Thanks kid.
10. You will become your Mother.  And there it is.  No matter how much you try to stop it- it is inevitable.