However, it did give me cause to stop and wonder if there's anything I could do differently. A little self reflection never hurt anyone, right?
And here's what I found- I personally feel that I'm a fabulous Mom. Seriously. That's not my ego talking. I'm simply just a great Mom. I was born to be a Wife and Mother and being the perfectionist that I am- I strive to be the very best of both. Nothing wrong with that, right? Since when did it become fashionable to lack confidence in yourself and your abilities? If there's one thing I know in life- it's that I am a great Mom and a great Wife. Oh- and I bake a mean Pumpkin Bread.
Am I perfect? Oh Hell no! And let me just say, that I do not for one minute think I'm any better then anyone else. This is not about me being a "better" Mom then someone else. It's simply about me being the best Mom that I can be- I don't have all the answers. Parenting is a process and there is always room for improvement.
However, I do know that the choices my husband and I are making and the way in which we are parenting our child are the right ones for our family. I'm simply doing the very best I can for my child and I feel that it's working. If someone else feels threatened by that- then that's their problem! And you know what they say about people in glass houses....
The way my husband and I parent is based mainly on common sense, love and respect. Pretty much every decision we've ever made for our child has come from these three common values. I'll say it again- common sense, love and respect. Seems to be pretty simple, no? So how does this break down into the everyday life? How exactly do you parent this way? Here's a few things we do:
1. Always speak the truth. We don't give half truths, we don't sugarcoat and we sure as shit don't lie to our son. We have always strived to provide our son with a truthful and age appropriate answer. Key phrase here is "age appropriate". As a result, I personally feel that my 9 year old has a very firm grasp on the world around him.
A good example of this is when we drive by the homeless man who likes to play his guitar and panhandle by the local grocery store. He stands here every day, all day long and has for the last 5+ years. Upon our first sighting, my then 3 year old son asked- "Mommy, why is that man standing there everyday? How come he's so dirty? Why does he jump around and yell at the cars?" My answer to my then 3 year old- "He doesn't have a home to go to like we do. We are very lucky to have a warm and safe place to live. He is dirty because he doesn't have a bathtub to wash in. He jumps around & acts silly because he probably has something wrong in his brain that makes him act this way. Simple, honest and age appropriate. Boom.
This one guideline is perhaps the one that I have taken the most "heat" for. It seems to make people uncomfortable when you speak the truth. Especially to a child. I wonder why that is?
2. Give them the freedom to make their own choices. By simply asking my son- do you want chocolate or vanilla, I have given him the freedom to express his own desires. If he chooses something & then decides he doesn't really want that one- he has no one to blame but himself. Thus he learns to take responsibility for his choices.
He's given the freedom to learn, to explore, to have a voice and consequently- he's learned that with that freedom comes boundaries, responsibilities and a little bit of reality.
This does NOT mean he's given free reign. Giving a child the freedom to make some choices in their life does not mean you give them total control of everything. They still need you to guide them and steer them in the right direction. But there's nothing wrong with giving them a little responsibility to make some simple choices. Best they learn how to do this now while they are still young and the consequences are relatively simple.
3. Boundaries. Oohh- this is a hard one. We are a fairly strict household. Bedtime is roughly at the same time each night. My child is not allowed to wander aimlessly in our neighborhood. He must behave himself when in public or he doesn't get to go. Candy & junk food is not a free for all. He's not allowed to watch too much tv or play hours upon hours of endless video games. However- the flip side to this is that we are also very flexible. William has no chores. He's allowed to do pretty much anything he wants to throughout the course of the day. If he wants to go outside & play at 8am- fine. Swim in his kiddie pool after lunch- ok. Spend all day reading- yippee! Lay in bed & watch Saved by the Bell reruns- go for it! Do a messy science experiment with the neighbor- sure. Drag out all his Legos & cover my living room floor- have at it!
The point is that William knows what he is allowed to do and he knows what he's not allowed to do. He also knows what will happen to him if he makes poor choices or disobeys. The boundaries are very clear. He's not perfect & sometimes he does do things he knows he shouldn't do- don't all kids!
4. Don't baby them. I love my son. I show my son daily how much I love him. We are big on hugs, every once in awhile I can sneak a kiss and his nickname around my house (he's gonna hate me for telling you all this!) is Love Bug. He is my Love. He is my Heart. However, he is NOT my tiny little helpless baby. Not anymore at least. So when he falls down, we say- "you're ok, brush yourself off and get up." When he comes to me with a scrap on his knee- I say, "no blood no band aid." BTW- you can thank my Mom for that one. Saves a fortune in band aids! Thanks Mom!
Yes, of course there is a time for comfort, a Mother's healing touch, a listening heart & kind words. But in the everyday life, we encourage him to brush himself off and try again. We believe this also teaches him about perseverance and gives him a real CAN DO attitude. Which is exactly the kind of attitude we want him to have when he's an adult.
5. Respect. This is a big one. How do you earn respect as a parent? How do you teach your kids to show respect to others? Our answer- by simply modeling the behavior we want him to learn. We speak kindly to one another. We as parents allow our son to see us argue. We also allow him to see us resolve the issue and move forward. I personally believe this sets a much more realistic expectation of family & relationships instead of pretending everything is always perfect. We treat him respectfully and we expect him to treat us the same. Whenever he behaves in a less then respectful way- we always point this out to him. Most times, if he is exhibiting disrespectful behavior (very rare!) I simply give him the "Mom Look" and say, "Excuse Me". To which he immediately knows that he's overstepped and corrects the behavior. Give him the tools to navigate how to treat others and model the behavior you want them to exhibit.
So there you have it- the basic principals we parent by. Is there room for improvement- yes! Am I happy with the way I'm parenting now- yes! Would I change anything- probably not.
I'm not a bad Mom. I'm a good Mom doing the very best that I can. And I'm pretty confident that I'm doing a great job! Don't let the opinions of those who don't matter, change the way in which you parent and live your life. You got this.
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