Friendship & Betrayal

 I've been sitting with this topic for well over two months now.  It's just hanging there, weighing down my heart and I simply don't know what to do with it.  Writing helps me process- it's my form of therapy, however I didn't want to upset or offend anyone.  So I've been silent in writing about this subject.  But at the end of the day, I have to do what is best for me.

So let's go there.

I have the worst luck in friendships with women.  There, I said it.  It all started in late elementary school when a friend of several years decided we shouldn't be friends anymore.  Her crazy sisters came after me, threatening me, yelling at me and really- to this day I have NO CLUE why.  We eventually repaired things and remained friends for years after that.  But then I hit junior high school and my BFF since Kindergarten wrote me a devastating letter telling me that she had "new" friends now and we didn't need to be friends anymore.  Years later, she wanted to come back into my life and I tried, really I did- but you guys, this kind of thing....well, it leaves a mark on you.  Fast forward to high school and my other BFF decided I wasn't "cool" enough to hang out with her.  I guess my church going, goody to shoes behavior wasn't the right one for the pot smoking, drinking and sex crowd.  Oh well....and yes, years later she too wanted to come back into my life.

These things changed me.  Forever.

When people you thought were your friends, LIFELONG friends, turn on you- there's simply no going back.  And so, it's left me guarded.  I've found myself having a hard time making friends with other women, especially women my own age.  However, I get along GREAT with the over 60 crowd mmkay...

Recently, we had a situation in which people we thought were our friends had some pretty horrible things to say about the kiddo.  It saddens me to think that I opened my home to them, invited them to Christmas dinner, welcomed them and all along they've been silently judging us.

I had reached out to them, because our children were friends and I didn't want the kids to be hurt by all of this and my offer to sit and discuss things was rebuffed.  Then we were blasted on social media.

Ugh.  Really?

The hurt you guys....yeah.  I've been sitting on this for awhile now and it simply doesn't get any better.  I had thought that I had found a fellow Mom to share things with.  You know- marriage, Motherhood, life....boy was I wrong.  Because at the first sign of a little bump, she takes off.  Four plus years of friendship just down the drain.  And I'm going to be honest here and say that I simply don't know what to do about that.

I was a good friend.

I hosted their entire family over at my house for many fun things like Trick or Treating, milkshakes on St. Patty's Day, fireworks on the 4th.  I brought them dinner when she was hurt.  We met for coffee and park dates.  I had her kid over for sleepovers.

I thought I had done all the things that a good Mommy friend does.  But I guess it simply wasn't enough.

In talking with the husband and trying to figure out what really happened, he had this to say to me-

"Babe, you can only ever be yourself.  We are weird, we aren't normal and some people just can't handle it."

So I kept thinking on this situation.  Had I accidentally done something wrong?  Could I have done something better?  Had they forgotten that I was a witness to this entire event in question?  Why was my offer to discuss things never accepted?  Why would they believe my child capable of doing this?  Why would they then attack my character?  What exactly did they expect us to do in this situation?  Had I been a bad friend?  Was there more going on here then what they were saying?

And then I simply said-

Screw It.

I did the best that I could.  I was a good friend.  My child is a good kid.  My husband is a good man.  If these people want to believe the worst of us, despite ALL the goodness we've shown them throughout the years- then there's nothing we say or do that could ever change that.  People will believe what they want to believe.

But it still hurts.


What I've learned from this experience is this-


Not everyone is as good a friend to you as you are to them.

I'm not perfect.  My family isn't perfect.  But neither is yours.  Perfection is not the goal here, friendship is.

We all deserve grace, understanding and forgiveness.  At the end of the day, I was willing to extend it and made efforts to do so.

Motherhood is messy.  Sometimes your children say or do things that just plain suck.  Us Moms need to stick together.

How people behave says more about them then it will ever say about you.

Not everyone deserves a place in your life.


Sadly, this entire situation has just re-enforced for me why I don't have many women friends.  Friendship is hard and while I'm willing to put in the work and effort, it seems that those I find are simply not willing to in return.  While I do have a few great women friends (you know who you are ladies!), it seems that as the years progress, that number dwindles.  I suppose that I'm OK with that- I would rather know who my true friends are then to play at pretend friendships.  I don't do pretend very well.

My message to all of you reading this today and perhaps going through the same types of situations:

Find your people.  Find the right friends who will accept you and love you just as you are.  While they may not agree with everything you say or do- they don't have to.  Judgement should NEVER be a part of a real friendship.  And you guys- it might take years.  Hang in there.  Because when you find your people, the ones you can be completely yourself with, it's the most wonderful gift.

Be a good friend.  Be quick to offer forgiveness, be quick to extend grace and understanding, be quick to apologize and hash shit out.  Sometimes misunderstandings happen.  Approach them head on and deal with them like grown ups.  And for heaven sakes- if your friend asks you to sit down and talk about a hurtful situation- do it.

Teach your children how to be a real friend.  This entire experience has taught the kiddo SO much.  I'm not gonna lie- it's been very hard on him and a lesson that I had hoped would wait several more years.  But he now knows what real friendship should look like.  And it's not fake waves and plastic smiles at the baseball field.

Full disclosure here-

I am sure that I could be a better person and a better friend.  There is always room for improvement.  I have never claimed to be perfect or to have all the answers.  I can only speak from my personal truths and the feelings I've navigated along the way.  I also acknowledge that I am unapologetically myself.  Right, wrong- I'm me.  I don't make excuses for being me and for knowing who I am.  I stand up for what believe in, I speak my truth, I sometimes offer my opinion too much- I get all this.  I understand that I can be overwhelming at times and I'm working on that.  I'm working on saying less and listening more.

However, I always come from a good place.  It is never my intention to offend or upset anyone.  This is just life you guys and you can only be the best version of you.  In writing this post, my hope is that it can offer some healing to those of you currently going through betrayal in your friendships.  Perhaps it can highlight for you how to be a better friend?  But my true goal in writing this was to help myself heal.  I've been deeply hurt and so disappointed and I want to learn from this situation all that I can.  It is not my intention to further cause upset to this family that we had once considered friends or to any of the other ladies I mentioned previously.  And so if they are reading this, here's my message to them.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.  I had high hopes for our continued friendship and I'm truly sad to see its ended this way.

That's the best I can do you guys.  I will continue to reach out and search for good people.  I will move forward from this betrayal and take the the lessons with me.  There are people in this world that are meant to be a part of your life.  Some come as lessons and some come as gifts.  And to those of you that are part of my people, I thank you all for being such wonderful friends.  You're more then friends, you're my family.