Friendships & Betrayal Take Two

Is it really any surprise that this post tied for the #1 spot last year?  I mean...really?

People suck.  Friendships are HARD.  Women friendships are complicated.  Mommy friendships even worse. And I repeat- people suck.

Gah, sometimes I can be such a cynic but if I've learned anything in my 34 years it is this truth.  How very sad mmkay...

Now that I've had a bit of time to process "the event" that led me to write the original post, I wanted to give you all my thoughts.  They are still a bit messy and scattered but I suppose that's just me.  And since this original post resonated so clearly with so many of you- I figured an update was in order!


First, while I did receive an apology, I do not consider it one.  I know...I know...but listen y'all- there's a right way and a wrong way to apologize.  MOST definitely.  So when you are experiencing some strife in any of your relationships, I hope you'll keep this in mind.  A really terrible and insincere apology can actually make things worse.  I've apologized SO MANY TIMES and have even explained to the kiddo the "right" way to offer one.  We've also discussed that you shouldn't personally offer an apology unless you are actually feeling apologetic and remorseful.  Basically, DON'T apologize unless you mean it!  Because y'all- people can tell when your apology is fake and lacking sincerity.  Trust me on this one.

Below is simply an example of how we feel an apology should go.  Don't freak out now, it's simply an example.  But I hope you'll keep in mind that an apology should really come from the heart.  It doesn't need to be perfect but it does need to be real and true.

I am so sorry.  I apologize for my actions, for what I said and did that may have upset you.  Please know that I will do my very best to not do those things again.  I am sorry for hurting you.  I value our relationship and would like to continue being friends, can you forgive me?

Step #1- Say the magic words, I'm sorry.

Step #2- Acknowledge what you did/said that caused upset to the other person.  Do NOT place blame on them.  Your apology is about you and your actions.

Step #3- Learn from your mistakes.

Step #4- Show you value and respect the other person.

Step #5- Ask for forgiveness.  Understand it might not be given.


Would you believe there's people walking this earth who don't know how to properly apologize?  You best believe I'm teaching my child the importance of apologies, forgiveness and grace.


The second issue I'm currently dealing with is my own anger at the situation.  Now that the shock and hurt has faded, I am knee deep in the PISSED OFF MAMA mode.  I am beyond angry that someone I thought was my "Mom Friend" would think so poorly of my child when her own are far from perfect. Far.  From.  Perfect.

I am also pretty angry at myself.  I never saw this coming.  I am angry for trusting these people with my child.  Hurt me, hurt the husband- ugh, fine.  You suck.  Hurt my child?  Unacceptable.  It is extremely hard to process this anger when you feel as if you are the one to blame for placing trust in the wrong people.

Finally, this entire situation has forced us to work even harder on our friendships.  I want and deserve to have good and loyal friends.  I give nothing but my best to any relationship be it work, marriage, family, motherhood and yes, friendship.  I am not even close to perfect but that's just the very best part of any relationship- being yourself and being valued for who you are.

In addition, I have encouraged the kiddo to reach out to more friends in his homeschool classes and we've even had a few playdates and birthday parties.  We've also discussed a few of his "less than desirable" friendships and talked about how to improve upon them and how he can personally be a better friend.  The thing is, we don't just know how to be a good friend, we have to learn how to do this.  I want my child to value his friendships and understand when he is not getting the same loyalty and respect in return.

Friendships, relationships- they are hard.  Like, HARD hard.  But here's the thing, if they are worth anything at all, then you put your seat belt on and ride over the bumps together.  If not, you bail before you hit the storm.  Some people are RIDE or DIE and some are dead weight- you've just got to learn for yourself which is which.

And for all that's holy- when someone shows you their true colors, BELIEVE THEM.

Good luck y'all.  I wish you wonderful, blessed relationships and the strength to move on from those causing you upset.  And when you find your people. treat them well for their worth and value is beyond measure.

Five Misconceptions of a Submissive Marriage

You guys- the husband and I didn't start out thinking we would have this kind of marriage.  In truth, we've never really talked about it at all.  It just sort of happened.  Weird right?  But as we found our rhythm and settled into our real selves within our marriage- this concept of submission just naturally came about.

Now, you probably all know what the Bible has to say about it.  That's great- I'm not here to debate the Bible.  Expert I am NOT, so I'm not even going there.  But I will say that my understanding has always been that just as the husband submits to God, so does the wife to the husband.  It's simply the natural order of a biblical marriage.

On the other side are couples who aren't necessarily following God's teachings but have adopted this type of marriage because that's simply what works best for them.  So that's awesome too right.  But can we just take a moment to clear up some very common misconceptions?


#1- Women are weak.

Oh my.

You guys, meet me in real life and you'll know that I am far from a meek or weak woman.  In fact, I would consider myself a feminist and believe strongly that ALL women have the right to choose their life path.  Mine simply happens to be this one.

It is my opinion that it takes a woman of great strength to allow someone else to lead.  Seriously, think about it.  How hard is it for you to give in- on anything?  And when was the last time you were in an argument with your spouse and decided to put the strife away in favor of resolution, even if it didn't go your way?  It's hard mmkay...


#2- Women are abused.

So listen, this will happen in any type of relationship.  It is not exclusive to a submissive marriage.  The statistics on domestic abuse are staggering.  One out of every 5 women will be abused in their lifetime.  One in every three women die from domestic abuse.  Horrifying.

But I am not one of them.  I have never been abused, my husband has never raised a hand to me, I am not in a physically or mentally abusive relationship- not one little bit.

And let's just be clear, when we use the term "submissive", it has NOTHING to do with bedroom antics a la Fifty Shades of Grey.  There's no hitting/choking/restraining going on in the name of love here mmkay....although if that's your thing.....


#3- Women have no voice.

Trust me when I say that my voice and opinion comes through loud and clear.

Loud.

And.

Clear.

Sometimes too much- but I'm working on that!  I am always able to voice my thoughts and I have an equal say in everything.  Yes, I said equal say...In this type of relationship, both husband and wife are free to communicate their thoughts and opinions without fear.


#4- Men are control freaks.

I have yet to meet anyone (male or female) that isn't just a little bit of a control freak.  Seriously.  The husband has certain things that are important to him and so he exercises his voice and wishes on those issues.  On the other hand, I have certain things that are important to me.  We are both free to express ourselves and make our desires known.  If there's something we are passionate about, we make that known- simple as that.

Truth be told, I'm the real perfectionist in our relationship.  "Hi- My Name is Chrissie and I'm a Control Freak."


#5- Men are hiding something.

Sure, some men keep secrets.  Just like women.  And yes, sometimes they aren't the good kind of secrets.  But if you have a good marriage, you simply don't need to worry about this.  I trust my husband.  I know that when he goes out somewhere without me, the very last thing he's thinking about is hooking up with some random woman or keeping hurtful secrets.

How do I know this?

Simple- my man is happy and satisfied with what he has at home.  I am a good wife, a faithful and loving partner and his best friend.  Some random chick in a bar simply can't compete.  And that's the truth.


In closing- there is something really beautiful about a submissive marriage.  For a wife, it's a wonderful gift to give to your husband.  To tell him that you trust him completely to lead your marriage and your family down the right path.  To place your faith in your husband to guide you, to lay your burdens down in favor of happiness and peace.  I just can't even describe to you how wonderful this type of marriage can be if done correctly.

And trust me- I know that MANY of you will simply not understand.  I'm sure many of you probably think I've boarded the train to crazy town....I get it.  Really I do.  But I want to offer you a few things to think about-


How many people do you know that are divorced?

How many of those people encouraged you to conduct your marriage in a way that mirrors their own failed marriage?

Any of them on marriage #3 or more?

How many people do you know who are not happy and fulfilled in their current marriage?

How often do you see your married friends or family members touching, kissing, embracing and in general, showing their spouse love and affection?

What about your own marriage?  Are you happy?  How do you demonstrate your love to each other? Do you trust your spouse?  Do you respect your spouse?

My marriage isn't perfect.  We certainly have our moments but we are happy and we are still very much in love.  Our submissive marriage works for us and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.


Want to Read More?

• Marriage: A Traditional Housewife
• On Being a Traditional Wife

The Homeschooling Type

Oh- I could never homeschool!

Ha! Or so I thought.....homeschool?  Me?  I just didn't seem like the "type".  You know, religious, modest, uber polite & proper.  That's just not me.  I'm more of a relaxed & cussing type of Mom.  My favorite type of music is Gangsta Rap for goodness sakes!  Followed closely by Country- I know, I'm weird like that.  So really, I just didn't see myself as the typical Homeschool Mom.  Whatever that is...

But now that I'm 5 years deep, I would say that I'm exactly the type.  In fact, homeschooling has become one of the many things in my life that defines who I am.  And most certainly it characterizes who I am as a Mother.  Whoa!  Can you freakin' believe that?!?

There's a few things that I've found that are universal to all us Homeschoolers and I want to share them with you now.

Time.  You simply have more time to devote to what matters most.  Yes, I'm super busy on some days.  But not all days.  In fact, our actual "learning" time is done in roughly 2 hours.  Compare that to the 6+ hours wasted in public school.  I've just gained 4 whole hours!!!

Relationships.  This goes along with time- I have the time to foster an amazing relationship with my child.  I have the chance to watch him learn all day, to love him all day, to guide him all day.  It's truly an amazing opportunity to grow our Mother-Son relationship.  Yes, it's rough at times- I won't lie.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Growth.  I get to be a witness to the everyday changes in my child.  I am there to see his face as he finally learns to 3 digit addition.  I get to experience his frustrations and then his joys.  I don't have to hear from his teacher all the wonderful things he's doing and learning- I get to do them with him.  I am his teacher.

Flexibility.  This is perhaps my MOST favorite thing about homeschooling.  I can change curriculum's.  We can take off to the park or go run errands.  Want to take a trip to Disneyland that's NOT during Spring Break?  If my son wants to spend all day doing geography, we can!  If he's really into sharks one week or dinosaurs the next- we can explore those interests while he's actually interested in them.  It's awesome.

So it would seem that these four things would probably describe the desires for most parents.  Not just for us homeschooling parents.  Funny huh?  Guess you never thought you might be the homeschooling type?