Marriage- The UNpopular guidelines we follow

Recently my marriage has been under attack.  Can you believe it!?!  There's people out there who are SO upset with the way MY marriage works that they are compelled to bring it to my attention.  Ha!  Too bad I could give a shit.  I'm in a committed loving relationship and we will be celebrating 10 years of married life this November.  Clearly, we are doing something right.

So what exactly are we doing??  To be honest, I don't think we *do* anything out of the ordinary or differently than anyone else.  But in preparing for this post- I suppose that we do.  It became clear to me that our traditional marriage also has some very old fashioned values.  We never sat down at the beginning of our marriage and wrote out a big long list of rules.  Ha!  That's absurd.  What has happened though is that we have naturally developed guidelines for our marriage along the way.  Issues have come up and we've agreed on a compromise and moved forward.  Seems easy enough, right?

Now- I fully acknowledge that many of these guidelines may be extreme for some of you.  They have certainly been less then popular among some who know us.  You may feel they set women back 50 years and your inner feminist may beat at the door to come out.  I get it.  This is certainly not the path for everyone but it's my path and it's my marriage.  So take a hike!  Ok, not really- stay and read more about our guidelines.  Maybe you'll find something useful here?  Maybe not.  But I'm pretty sure you're curious- so read on!

What We Do:

• We guard our marriage from outside influences.  We keep ourselves free of distractions and temptations.  Simply put- you will NOT find me clubbing with the girls on a Saturday night sans hubby.  And you will NOT find my husband out with the guys at a strip club.  Mainly because we both have no desire to be in those horrid places (that's what your 20s are for!) and because we value our marriage above all else.  We keep ourselves away from places or people that could cause harm.
• We do NOT have friends of the opposite sex.  This is a biggie.  We just don't do it and it works well for us.  We believe this opens the door for misunderstandings and lets other's know that we are available.  Emotionally, physically- whatever- we let others know that we are not available.  As I said before, we guard our marriage against outside influences and by not having friends of the opposite sex- this is the easiest way we accomplish this.  And frankly- I just don't have time for any man but my husband!  Now sure- we can have couple friends.  But we do not ever hang out with someone from the opposite sex without our spouse.  We just don't. 
• We keep ourselves drama free.  Now- there are some folks out there who thrive on drama, much of it is self-created, I'm sure.  People like to gossip, rumors fly, hurtful words are said- you get the point.  If we meet someone (or know someone) who likes to engage in this type of behavior, we simply cut them off.  We do not give them access to our life and allow their hatefulness & issues to spread into our marriage.  Simply put, their problems are not our problems.  Good riddance.
• We keep each other informed on our whereabouts.  I like to know what my husband is up to all day because I miss him.  Not because I'm distrustful of him.  And he likes to know where I'm going to make sure I will be safe.  We spend as much time together as possible because we genuinely enjoy each other's company.  And since my husband works so many long hours, we stay in touch via text messages & phone calls throughout the day.  Contrary to some recent opinions (you know who you are!) we don't do this because we don't trust each other, we do this because we LOVE each other.  I miss my husband and sometimes the longest conversation I get to have with him is a quick "how's work going?" text.  This is also done as a courtesy to one another.  Many times I will be heading to the grocery store and will call and ask if there's anything special he wants.  Or maybe if I know he's going to be home soon and I have to take our son to the doctor- I will send him a text and let him know I will be gone when he gets home.  This way he doesn't worry. 
• We keep an open door policy.  I have all his passwords, not that I can remember them and he has mine.  There is nothing he is not allowed to see- my phone, my text messages, my emails, facebook and vice versa.  Simply put, I have nothing to hide and nothing to prove because I am not behaving in an "unwifely way".  Until recently we shared an email address for goodness sakes!  We are always looking at each other's facebook accounts, or he's showing me a funny email someone sent him or a dirty joke via text- it's just the way we've always operated.  With this, we don't have any secrets.  We tell each other everything.  Seriously- everything.  He is my best friend and I am his- there is nothing we don't share with one another.  Nothing is off limits.
• We do our very best to listen to one another and we are learning, always learning- how to properly communicate with each other.  We are very different people my husband and I- we literally have nothing in common.  So for us, it takes effort to reach a middle ground.  We argue and we may not always agree.  However, we have learned how to argue with purpose and how to communicate respectfully.  But dare I say- this is why our marriage works so well.  At least we will never get bored!!  And if we cannot reach a compromise- my husband always has the final say.  Yep, you heard it right. I always let him win.  I may not be happy about it, I may not agree- but he is the Man of our house and if we can't agree, it always comes down to his way.
• We embrace our gender roles.  I am happiest cooking, baking and reading.  I like getting dressed up and take great pride in my feminine appearance, to which I think my husband likes too!  In fact, I'm pretty sure he approves.  My husband enjoys guns and fishing and is great at working with his hands.  Sorry ladies, but there's nothing sexier then a man who is good with his hands!  Ahem! Sorry, I got sidetracked....the point is, we embrace who we are as individuals.  I am very much the woman in our marriage and my husband is the man, we love it this way!  We firmly believe that a woman's place is at home.  She is after all, the heart of her family.  And a man's job is to provide and protect his home and his family.  Wow- how very sexist of us! Clearly, we are not afraid to be ourselves and our marriage works better because of it.

So as you can see- these are some unusual guidelines for marriage in modern times.  Clearly not the norm we are used to witnessing.  I fully admit that my marriage is NOT perfect.  But my marriage does make me happy, it does bring me fulfillment and it does work for myself and my husband.  What more could you want?

*Up next in this marriage series-  The Good Wife's Guide to her Husband and Home.  OOHH- that's sure to be exciting!

Marriage- A Traditional Housewife

What would a Homeschooled Housewife blog be without discussing the Housewife part of things?  So here begins a series of posts about all things marriage and housewifey.  Yep, pretty sure housewifey is a word.  So hold on feminists and watch out single gals- here we go!  And if I ruffle some feathers along the way- please know that these posts on marriage are a reflection of what works for me personally.  I don't expect everyone to agree or to do things the same way.  I'm simply stating what has worked for us in our marriage and what we personally believe.  Well alright...might as well jump right in!

Let me first begin by saying that my husband and I have a very traditional marriage.  It didn't start out this way 13 years ago when we first started dating.  We certainly didn't have a big huge discussion on marriage, our roles, expectations etc.  In fact, looking back- we were pretty naive about the whole thing.

Over the course of our relationship, we have naturally settled into the roles that fit us best and work the most for our marriage.  And surprise! They just happen to be very traditional roles.  Not many of them left these days and it's certainly not a very popular choice among my own generation.  So what exactly does our traditional marriage look like? Well, I like to think it's very reminiscent of Grandma & Grandpa's marriage circa 1950 with a little bit of modern times thrown in!

To put it simply- I am responsible for everything inside the house and my husband is responsible for everything outside the house.  But it's not just about the division of labor- because to be honest, I could care less if he washes the dishes or I take the car in for an oil change.  Which BTW- I have never in my entire life taken a car in for an oil change, so I don't expect that to change any time soon.  But back to the topic at hand....it's not really about who does what.  It's more about how we view ourselves in our marriage that would classify our marriage as traditional.  I'll explain...

I am the keeper of the home.  I am my husband's help mate and I am the foundation for our family.  Basically, I'm the glue that holds this ship together.  I begin each day with one simple question- "what can I do to make your life better today?"  By doing for others, I do for myself.  I am happiest when I am with my boys and I truly enjoy being a Wife and Mother.  Hmm...if this doesn't scream June Cleaver, I don't know what will!

My husband views his role in our marriage as protector.  He is the provider and the protector for our family. Everything he does comes from this desire to financially provide for us and to protect us from harm.  I know that when I am with my husband, I am always safe and I am always loved.

I have noticed that more people, especially from my generation, are abandoning the traditional roles of marriage.  Most times it's out of necessity- you just can't afford for the wife to stay at home like you could 50 years ago, I get it.  However, many times its because this is what they desire.  Society has changed the face of marriage and somehow made the traditional marriage less acceptable.  A true housewife is a thing of the past.  Which is sad really- there was some sort of beautiful fantasy involved in the whole 1950's housewife.  If you like that sort of thing I suppose...but there were also some very real benefits to the lifestyle.  Such as:

• Less stress.  My husband goes out and works, earns the money while I take care of the home.  No one person is attempting to do it all.  This causes you to become overwhelmed and burdened with the day to day responsibilities.  This way, my husband can leave each day knowing that he will return to clean underwear, a home cooked meal, and a hopefully fairly clean house.  In turn, I do not feel the pressure to "do it all" and be some sort of Superwoman.  Too much work, I'll pass.
• More time.  There is simply more time to accomplish more things in any given day.  Sure, I have a LOT on my plate right now.  I work part time, I homeschool, I run a household, I raise a child- blah, blah, blah....you get it, I'm busy.  But I'm not so busy that I become overwhelmed.  I have the time to provide a home cooked breakfast for my husband before he leaves for work.  I have the time to make his lunch every morning.  I have the time to clean the house and wash the clothes-well, most days that is. Most importantly- I am not rushed and everything that needs to get done, gets done.  I am also free to give the best of myself to my family simply because I have the time to devote to them.
• Respect.  I respect and admire how hard my husband works to provide for his family.  My husband respects and likes the man that he is, his work gives him purpose- many times men are defined by their work.  As I sit here typing this blog post, he's just come off a 70 hour work week and has already put in 10 hours today with several more hours to go and will be back up and out the door at 5AM tomorrow morning.  Whew- now that's a hardworking man!  In turn, my husband respects me for how hard I work to ensure our family is well taken care of.  And ladies- let's not forget how sexy a little hard work & respect can make a man!
• The kids are taken care of.  There is no childcare shuffle.  I am home all day, every day.  I am the one raising my son with the morals and beliefs set forth by myself and my husband.  I do not have to worry about where my child is, what he's doing, if he's happy, well fed, etc because I am providing all of that. In turn, my husband is free to go about his work day knowing that our child is safe and secure.
• It's cheaper & you save money.  I never used coupons before becoming a stay at home wife & mother.  I never sewed a button or patched a hole in jeans- I just threw them away.  I also relied heavily on processed foods as they were much faster and easier to prepare.  However they are also more expensive to buy, so by simply making homemade foods, I ensure we aren't eating boxed crap and I save us money.  WooHoo!  We also don't pay for childcare.  I don't have work clothes to buy, lunches out, espresso's on the way in to work, gas for a super long commute, etc- all of which was part of our finances prior to me staying home.  In fact, we share one car now because we don't need two!  Ka-ching!  And let's not forget the pesky IRS.  The more you earn, the more they take!
• We are happier as a couple.  This is perhaps THE biggest reason why I feel a traditional marriage is best.  My husband is happier because I take as much stress out of his life as possible.  His needs and desires are met.  I am happier because I get to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a Wife and Mother.  I am not burdened down with work stress and can focus entirely on my family.  We have more time to enjoy each other and spend time together as a family and as a couple.

In general- our home runs the way we want it to run.  I do more of the things that are thought of as traditionally female and my husband does those that are traditionally male.  One could not function without the other, so we are very much a team.  Could my husband make dinner and do the dishes?  Well, yes- I suppose he could.  Does he want to?  Well, no more then I want to mow the lawn and fix the brakes on our SUV.  So why go against who you are in order to fit into the modern mold of marriage?  Embrace who you are and be happy in your marriage!

*Check out the next post in this marriage series discussing the NOT so popular rules we follow in our marriage.