Y'all, I read this recent article over on Scary Mommy thinking I was trapped in a Ashton Kutcher episode of Punk'd a la Parent Edition because surely this business would have been better suited for say, The Onion.
I simply couldn't believe what I was reading and then I got all sorts of FIRED UP because....well...that's just how I roll.
So let's just dive right into the deep end on this one shall we? In case you missed it, I am referencing the article, My Kids Eat Fast Food (And I'm Not Ashamed) by Elizabeth Broadbent. Click the link people and then come on back so we can sip a cup of tea and dish.
Ready?
Let's preface by saying that all of us Mama's feel the parenting pressure. ALL. OF. US. Dearest Elizabeth, you are not alone darling and for that- I legit understand where you are coming from. No joke- I get it. Juggling parenting, kids, sports, activities, regular feeding time at the zoo, a semi clean house, the never ending laundry, keeping the husband happy- holy buckets but it's a lot. And bonus- YOU'RE A HOMESCHOOLING MAMA. So when you say that you roll on through the drive thru window FIVE TIMES per week- I can kind of understand where you're coming from. Maybe....just a small little bit....eh...
But here's the truth.
Mama, you have flat out given up.
Let's have a COME TO JESUS moment up in here. You have overloaded yourself, your house is NOT in order and your precious babies are the casualty. Oh- and you yourself, yeah YOU, are most likely addicted to salt and sugar.
First of all, while it's been awhile since I've been to a fast food establishment, I don't ever remember their being kale salads that were actually healthy (meaning without all the added crap you dump on them to make them palatable) or could I ever imagine seeing adorable little faces actually EATING the said kale salad. Further, children don't typically split a small order of anything unless they are opposed to eating. And since when is a drive thru nugget somehow BETTER for you than a frozen, micro nuked nugget? Yeah- sorry Mama but I'm gonna call bullshit. Your children are not "downing a good meal" but rather giving themselves lifelong health issues like high blood pressure and diabetes.
Your kids are eating crap and you are buying it for them and your proud of it. That's the real truth here. So let's not try and hide under a fake disguise of "healthy" nuggets, buckets of syrupy sweet "fruit" salad and claims that children eat kale salad at a fast food joint. PUH-LEEZE. Let's just assume we are all smart enough to realize that this is complete and utter bullshit. You knew it the moment you wrote it. Bullshit.
Now let's get into the time factor. I'm with you on this one Mama. But here's where you lost me- because if I can work 50+ hours per week (real jobs mind you), homeschool, shuttle my child to karate, soccer, football, PE class and mother truckin' swim lessons all while keeping my husband satisfied, my house fairly clean, the crazy dog in order, laundry under wraps AND STILL COOK HEALTHY FOOD at least six nights per week then by GOD anyone can do it. Even you darling.
And please note, I am not expecting miracles. I get we all have different skill sets and cooking isn't one of yours. My poor Mother suffered the same affliction. But with three small children and a busy household to run, she still managed to put some mother truckin' GOOLOUSH on the dinner table mmkay....
You my dear are NO busier than any of us. What you simply lack is time management skills. And you're most likely a little lazy.
Yeah- I said it.
Because the truth is that I am busy. This season of my life is BUSY. I do not possess this imaginary thing call "free time" unless I get up at 5am and MAKE IT. And even then, it's negotiable because there is always something I could be doing. Seriously- my to do list is long and at times, exhausting. Welcome to Motherhood dearest Elizabeth but true lazy people take the easy way out on the regular. And believe me when I say to you that I have my lazy moments- we all do. No harm or judgments here mmkay....but here's where we differ. Your lazy moments are not once or twice a month but rather, FIVE TIMES A WEEK. And while we are laying it all out here, I'm going to go out on a limb here and hazard a guess that the FIVE times is conservative.
Here's the thing- you gotta figure your shit out Mama because your family is suffering.
Prep meals while doing schoolwork with your kids. Yes, this is possible. Especially since I read that your children are all 5 and under. I'm sorry but from one homeschooling Mama to another- this is by far the easiest age to homeschool. If you can't do it now, you are going to have some REAL issues in another couple years.
Set yourself up to succeed with a chore list and a schedule. Reward yourself with a sweet tea straight in your vein if necessary but for all that's Holy, figure it out.
Fucking LEARN how to cook simple foods. Even my husband, who is allergic to the kitchen, is capable of opening a jar of organic marinara and boiling some pasta. Cut open a bag of salad and you're good to go. It is this easy and it's faster than loading your kids up in the car and driving down to the McDonald's. Cheaper too.
Stop going to the drive thru for every single thing. Mama, you need another sweet tea like I need 10 more pounds around my middle. Knock this shit off.
Learn the word NO. Dude, if you can't hack it at this stage, what the hell is going to happen when your children are teenagers? Like, for reals? I'm scared for you. Embrace your inner Mean Mommy and let it fly.
Stop making excuses. I simply don't buy the "running around" business. All of us Mama's, homeschooling ones even more so, spend hours upon hours in our cars shuttling our children all over God's green earth. And there just so happens to be the amazing thing called a COOLER in which you can pack food inside for your children to eat later. And did you know Mama, that at grocery stores or convienence stores you can use the microwave for FREE. Like, you can pack up some leftovers in the COOLER and swing on by the grocery store to heat that business up. Or you could just make another PB & J. Whatevs.
For the Love, please find a park. Stop meeting up at the local fast food place so you can surf Facebook and talk shit with other Mom's while your children guzzle the chemical concoction you call "food". Do it at the park and pack a mother truckin' picnic. You might also try taking along some educational shit because you know...homeschooling....
Find the Google and research "diet and ADD" and then research "diet and hyperactivity." You Mama are literally setting your children up to fail. The road you've created for them is sure to be a rough one because you couldn't or wouldn't find the time to put some pretzels in a Ziplock and stop your drive thru addiction. You are a smart cookie based upon your ability to write a coherent article so there is simply NO EXCUSE for you to continue to ignore this very real health issue.
And PS- a drive thru lemonade is NOT made up of just lemons and sugar. Oh Sweet Jesus but the laugh I had at this one. So while you're cruising the Google, you should probably research all the crap that's actually in the "food" you are feeding your children. Especially all those "industrial-fried potatoes" y'all are eating. Better yet- I'll save you some time. In addition to the non GMO (you should probably just go ahead and Google what a GMO is) potatoes, you've also got unhealthy oils, like cancer causing oils- dimethylpolysiloxane (a chemical agent used to prevent cooking oil from foaming and most commonly found in SILLY PUTTY), a PETROL based chemical called tertiary butylhydroquinone, sodium acid pyrophosphate, dextrose and a whole load of other crap. Yum...eat up or continue to stick your head in the sand. No biggie, it's just your children's life on the line.
Stop over feeding your children. After making 12 pieces of toast at home, you're then in the drive thru ordering hash browns, eggs and sides of bacon?!? Say what? And please for the LOVE, explain to me why when they "demand snacks" you think the drive thru is the appropriate place to go? Mama- c'mon. Are you not capable of throwing a couple apples or a banana in your purse?
Bottom line- you are not alone. We ALL use conveniences like the drive thru. But the fact that you are proud to go there at least five times per week does set you up in a class all by yourself. This is NOT normal and it is NOT acceptable. Stop being proud of this- please.
The drive thru is meant as an occasional treat. Not a daily stop. And the damage you are doing to yourself AND your children is beyond ridiculous. In fact, I'm just gonna come right out and say it- it's child abuse. Book your tickets to the Maury Show because in another couple years, this is where you'll be.
And lastly please- do NOT use homeschooling as an excuse. While I am certainly understanding and perhaps even a bit sympathetic to your plight, the truth is that the majority of us homeschooling Mama's have our shit together. We RUN CIRCLES around pretty much anyone we encounter. Most folks could NEVER do in a week what we accomplish in a day. True story. And yet, with all we have on our plates, we still manage to put a fairly decent meal there too on the regular.
Sincerely,
The Mom Who Occasionally Feeds Her Kid Crap and Is NOT Proud of that Shit
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